That's just what was happening on the outside. Inside, I was like Dorothy when the tornado scooped her up from Kansas. A complete whirlwind of emotions. Some days I was ok, others I was in complete shambles. I was in disbelief at the loss of my mom but somehow calm at the same time. I was sad and devastated, but also at peace knowing she was with God and resting. I was overjoyed about meeting this amazing man, but felt horrible that he was bearing the burdens of my emotions during the hardest time of my life, and we had just met! What I didn't feel was obligated to manage anybody else's grief, to take care of anybody else's feelings or well-being, or be responsible for making sure anybody else was responsible.
Even though I was going through personal things, I was honored to still show up for my clients and my mental health retreat. It helped me heal and stay sane. I was exhausted because my sleep pattern was in the pits of hell, and I was dreaming like crazy (processing). Some days felt amazing because I had major breakthroughs with clients or did something on my vision board bingo card, but it was bittersweet because I couldn't pick up the phone and call my mom. I felt alone in crowded rooms, lonely in the solitude of my four walls, celebrated on public platforms, and inadequate in my own skin. It's been a crazy rollercoaster, and sometimes too much to share with others.
I am grateful for my village because they reach out, they listen, try to understand, and check in. Sometimes it helps, but honestly, there are times when it doesn't, and I have to sit with my feelings. It's important to hold space for yourself sometimes. You know better than anybody when you need to be alone and when you need to be with people. It's ok to need both.
A couple of weeks ago, I was in 'the thick of my emotions and really struggling with feeling alone and being lonely, missing my mom and all my close family that's gone, and just facing the thought of all the things I would have to do without them. It's overwhelming sometimes, and that weekend was one of those times. I got up on Sunday morning after crying and being frustrated for most of the day on Saturday, and went to church. My heart was heavy, my spirits were low, and honestly, I was on E. I had been pouring out all week, and nothing seemed to be refilling my cup. It felt like somebody was drilling holes in it every time I tried to get a refill. I was in prayer before service, and God dropped James 1:3 in my spirit. I immediately opened my bible app to read it and didn't like what I read. Y'all know I'm going to be honest...
Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. James 1:3KJV
Even though I had the answer to what I was feeling, I didn't like the answer at that moment. I thanked God and went back to praying with reassurance in my spirit that this is all just a test, and it too would somehow work for my good. I had to go back and read the scripture in context to see what was happening before and after, who was being spoken to and why... those things are important.
James, a servant of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ, to the twelve tribes which are scattered abroad, greeting. My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing. If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him. But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering. For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed. James 1:1-6KJV
God didn't just give me a statement; He gave me an answer and held that mirror up in front of my face. He showed me myself and let me know that I had been asking, but my faith was wavering in some of those asks. He showed me that my current condition had left me weary and battered emotionally. I needed some friends to lower me through the roof and get me to Him. He had to remind me to believe wholeheartedly. Based on our track record, that should be easy. However, sometimes when you're going through rough patches of life, you get amnesia and forget who you really belong to and how powerful He is.
After prayer and some impartation of strength, I had a moment like David when his baby died. I got up, washed my face, and kept it moving. I know a few things about God, and one of them is that He'll never bring you to a place just to leave you. I've been pouring into myself with music and art. It's healing and therapeutic. I've been helping others heal because it's what I was made to do, and it helps me heal as well. So if you're in a rough spot right now, remember the words of my friend and colleague, Janae, We eat in the valley! The shadow of the mountain may seem scary and unfamiliar, but fruit is still being produced.
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