This summer was one for the books! I got to spend four beautiful months pouring into my youngest baby. Those of you who know me, know I don't have any biological children, but what you may not know is that I have beautiful baby girls that I get to be a bonus mom to. So my second baby's biological mom transitioned shortly before she turned two, she's five now. When I got the call about her mom being sick, God told me she wouldn't be coming home and that I would be a part of her life for as long as God allows.
This summer was full of firsts for both of us. My first summer being solely responsible for a child, her first summer at camp, her first flight, her first time meeting her village, her first swim lesson, my first time bringing someone home to meet my family, and my first time questioning every choice I've ever made in life.
I've never questioned wanting to be a mother or have a family but having these months with her made me question the other choices I made along the way. I wondered if my life would have turned out differently had I put more time into dating than my books. If I would still be married had I accepted that proposal, and if I would've had children if I chose not to go to graduate school. What would my life and career be like if I stayed in Kentucky? Am I supposed to be with her dad or just a part of their life? Should I stay in Daytona or Move? Did I make the right decision in starting my business or should I stay with the company?. So many questions ran through my head, and still do. If I am honest, this was my first time having serious anxiety. I've never had to worry if I was making the right decisions for someone else. I had to shake myself and remember that I may not have all the answers, but I have everything I need. 2 Peter 1:3KJV says,
as His divine power has given to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of Him who called us by glory and virtue,
With each decision, each need, and each challenge that came, God did what He does best... PROVIDE! He provided answers, resources, friends, and other moms who provided wisdom, playdates, and grown-up conversation. For so many years all I ever wanted was to have a family and children of my own. It hasn't happened in the traditional sense for me, but I have my own little family. I'm grateful that God has allowed me this opportunity to mother one of His most precious gifts and pour into her, everything He's placed in me.
As we went to the park, took walks, flew to Kentucky, and spent time with family and friends I learned so much about myself. I was having doubts about my spiritual growth, wondering if I was doing a good job and what was best for her. I wondered if I was giving her enough love, managing my emotions correctly, and being a good example for her. Then there was work... I moved into my office the same day she came to stay with me for the summer. I opened an office and took on caring for a 5-year-old at the same time. I really had no idea what I was doing for real but I believed God made me for this. I realized the dreams that I had for myself were so small in comparison to what He has for me. I was praying and asking God what all of this was for and I came to the conclusion that God needed to show me that there was so much more for me.
I remember being young and having so many things I wanted to do and be. The top of my list was always wife and mother. Family has always been a priority for me. I started to get older and realized it hadn't happened for me yet. I didn't give up but I did have my sad days and many many days where I questioned my decisions. Many times people asked, "Don't you want kids?" "When are you going to have some kids?" "When are you getting married? Don't you want to?" Do yall know how rude and hurtful those questions can be? I know so many people who struggle with fertility, have lost children, and are miserable because they've been desperately trying. Stop asking people this in casual conversation. Mind your own womb! Anyway, I was saying... I didn't know if it was going to happen for me in the traditional sense and I got to the point where I was content either way. These babies of mine are truly a blessing and I'm grateful that I get to share them, love them, and pour into them. God doesn't always answer prayers the way we think He will, but He always Answers... This is only the beginning and I can't wait to see what else this adventure will bring!
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