Can you see me?

Photo by ANDRIK LANGFIELD PETRIDES on Unsplash

I do a post every year for my birthday reflecting on the things I've learned, what I hope for moving forward, and just where I am in life.  This year I had a different kind of birthday so I wrote a different kind of post.  Hope it still blesses somebody!

 Sometimes when you're wired to give and pour out and nurture others you can feel invisible.  Most days I spend my day taking care of other people, helping families, and  keeping children from being removed from their families.  I take crisis calls, ims, and emails all day and try to be a listening ear for friends and family when needed.  Sometimes I feel like I've disappeared and all people see is the gifts, the talents, the benefit of having me around.

I love that I can be and do all of those things but at times I feel like screaming , "Hey I'm human too ya know!"
  "I need someone to support and encourage me."
 "It would be nice to feel appreciated every once in a while."
 " Hey maybe for just 5 minutes you can ask me how my day was or really listen to what's on my heart."

I love the way God made me and I wouldn't trade it for the world, but at times it can be very tiring.  I asked God for some very specific things concerning my gifts and ministry and He's granting those things, but it has cost me. Sometimes the cost is feeling invisible, sometimes it's sleepless nights, sometimes it's comfort, and all the time it's my will.  This birthday was the absolute loneliest birthday I've ever had, not because I'm physically without people, but the people who are here right now don't really see me.  There are so many people living in survival mode and not actually living abundantly.  They're doing everything to preserve self and never stop to consider that flowing with the people God has placed in your life might possibly make it easier to get to that abundance. That you have something the other person needs and they have something you need. When you're in survival mode you don't see anybody but you.  So they see the parts and pieces of me that are beneficial for them.

They don't see the introverted parts of me that like alone time and books.  They don't see the part of me that needs the sense of community and family.   They don't see the weary part of me that lies underneath the strength I have for everybody else.  They don't see how lonely it is when you live against the grain and don't fit in with the crowd.  They don't see that part of me that just needs a hug sometimes or for somebody to tell me, hey everything's going to be ok. They don't see that beyond the gifts, the talents, the abilities and whatever else... I'm just a simple girl who appreciates the small things.

This is why I don't mind to hug the dirty person, why I sit down and have lunch with the homeless man and take time to hear his story.  This is why I work in a field that overextends me and underpays me.  I see people.  I see past the surface and what  people present. Somebody has to. When you live a life poured out and consistently give and build up others all you want at the end of the day is someone to see you and be your  place of peace.  Before you go getting all deep, I know that Jesus is my refuge and gives me peace in my spirit.  But just like the comfort and familiarity of grandma's kitchen,  mom & dad's bed during a storm, the fishing dock with grandpa, or a sleepover with your besties... we all still need those places of peace with people who see us.  People who just get it and don't require a detailed map of what you need in the moment. Sometimes you just need to be silly, or a few minutes to vent, a second to scream or have a good cry...

One of the things I appreciate about my ex is that he always saw me.  He may not have known what to do with it, but he saw me and often helped me see myself.  He would always tell me, you're not as strong as you think you are.  If it had been anybody else I might have been insulted, but what he was really saying was something totally different.  He said, "Chaconna Jaqis Downs, for years I've watched you put everybody else before yourself.  Do you ever wake up and say, today I'm going to do whatever I wanna do for a change, eff everybody else today? I love you and I know that who you are but sometimes you need to make you first."

So for all of my invisible people out there know that you're not alone.  We all have moments where we feel that nobody sees us and for some people it can become overwhelming and detrimental because they keep it bottled up.  Let it out, write it down, scream it, journal it.. whatever your way of purging thins is... For those who are visible and those on the receiving end of all the good stuff that comes bubbling out of the invisible... take a moment to check on your friend.  Be a blessing to them sometimes, give them back a small portion of what they give you.  If you don't know how, say so but try something anyway.  We appreciate your effort.

My favorite movie is The Color Purple (which also happens to be my favorite color) and there are so many rich nuggets in this movie that it would take a while to talk about them all.  One of my favorite scenes is when Celie and Shug are walking through the field of purple flowers talking...

Shug: I think it pisses God off when you walk by the colour purple in a field and don't notice it.
Celie: You saying it just wanna be loved like it say in the bible?
Shug: Yeah, Celie. Everything wanna be loved. Us sing and dance, and holla just wanting to be loved. Look at them trees. Notice how the trees do everything people do to get attention... except walk?

 This part is so much more than a conversation about flowers.  Shug was talking to Celie about God loving admiration.  It's like here's this wonderful thing God made for us and we walk past it without even noticing it.  He took the time to think of us and we don't even acknowledge the gifts that He placed right in front of our faces. I can be honest and say I'm guilty of not always acknowledging the things God has given right away.  BUT when I do come to my senses and see it for what it is,  I'm always grateful and take a moment to let God know.  If it's a person that He's placed in my life, I let them know as well.  We as people have to do better in recognizing that the people God places in our lives are just like those purple flowers.  They want  to be loved and admired.  What have you been walking by and not acknowledging??