Just keep swimming... Just keep swimming!!

So I've been absent from my blog for about a month now and I truly do apologize for those of you who read regularly.  Thank you for thinking what I write about it important enough to read and share.It was not my intention to be away for so long, and I did have some post finished that I was ready to share but I soon learned those posts were just for me.  Sometimes I write something I think I'll be sharing with you guys and God just won't let me share at the time... So to that end let me tell you what's been going on and why I haven't been posting anything... and I pray this helps somebody else stay in the race and press on

Some of you know and some do not, but a few months ago I made a huge leap and left my church.  Before you even ask...I didn't just leave because I felt like it. lol  The decision really wasn't even mine, the act of obedience was the requirement.  Nevertheless... I left.  This wasn't just my church home, it was the place where I had grown for the past 6 years, the place where I truly discovered my gifts and callings, the place where I laid in the floor and cried out to God, the place where I truly became free, the place where I found myself lost in Christ, the place where I praised and worshiped with an amazing group of believers, the place I helped Pastor, it was family... it was HOME.

It was by no means an easy thing to do and even after months and months of praying, fasting, and seeking the face of God I still struggled with the decision and the "What Now?" that came after.  I was there, I was doing the work of ministry, working for God, growing, doing new things and being pushed out of my comfort zone daily... I took it all as training... preparation and even some what not to do... but God said... this is not what I showed you, nor the way I told you to do what I told you to do.

It's hard to feel like, OK, here I am thinking I'm doing what God told me to.. only for Him to say this isn't it... I need you over here doing this thing I showed you 12 years ago... NOW.  So I turned in my letter of resignation from my Pastoral position and dissolved my membership.  I didn't think it would be that big of a deal until everything came crashing down on me emotionally.  I felt every emotion all at once about everything and I didn't know how to express what I was feeling or what I was going through.  I didn't realize that I was hurt, and damaged.

Sometimes when you're in battle you get wounded but keep fighting without even realizing it.  You don't know you've been hit until you sit down to catch your breath or pass out from loss of blood.  So this is where I was.  It was like I had just picked up a snow globe of my life and saw all of the emotional chaos falling on everything in the little glass bubble.  So I isolated myself.  I know all to well that hurt people HURT other people and I didn't want to hurt anyone.  I let some of my close friends know where I was and asked them to pray.

I talked to my spiritual covering, because I didn't want to be without accountability or someone to watch for my soul even though I left my church home, and let Him know where I was.  I told him that I wasn't ready to move forward with ministry because I needed time to heal and sort through my emotions and my issues.  Then the enemy attacked... and came with a force so quick and so sharp it felt like I got hit with a mack truck.

Every insecurity, every doubt, every area that I was unsure of, and every single emotion I felt  was amplified, magnified, and intensified.  I was an emotional wreck!  Some days I would feel like crying all day for no reason.  Other days I would be mad at my boyfriend and ready to end our relationship for absolutely no reason and without him knowing.  Then there were the days where I would run the full spectrum of emotions all in a single day and sometimes cycle through them more than once.  I questioned EVERYTHING & EVERYBODY!! Myself, my gifts, my calling, my anointing, and what was really going on.  I wasn't really feeling church, didn't trust church leadership, and just felt some kinda way about being there in general because of everything else that was going on in my mind and heart at the time.

In the midst of all of this, I was still on duty.  God was still sending people for me to minister to, I still had clients that needed my care and attention, I had family and friends that needed me to pour out and minister to them, strangers that need healing and a million other things.  This created another struggle... I never wanted to do ministry from a place of brokenness (the damaged kind not the kind for God) and pain because I didn't want to sow any seeds of bitterness, hurt, or anything else negative with the good things I tried to plant. So I would get frustrated on top of the emotional whirlwind that was already going on.... BAD PLACE TO BE

Then one Sunday my mom called and asked if I wanted to go to church with her in our hometown.  I hadn't been there in years, so I said sure, it'll be good to see everybody.  Almost the entire church is family and it's familiar and comfortable... I felt like it was a safe place.  I could go there wounded, battered, broken, and not all the way together and be received in love and welcomed with open arms and gladness. So off we went and it was just as I thought it would be.  Everyone welcomed us with love and lots of hugs...I needed that more than anything right then.

I don't remember much of what the message was about that day but I do remember the altar call.  I sat in my seat and went back and forth in my mind for about 5 minutes trying to decide if I was going to get prayer or not.  I decided to go.  As I waited in the line I began to pray and more than anything just ask God to hear the cries of my heart rather than the words I couldn't seem to speak.  So when it was  my turn for prayer the pastor began praying and spoke what the Lord gave him. (Short version) He told me that my heart had been broken over many a thing, but God has heard my cries and my request for guidance.  He told me that God allowed these things to happen because He was teaching me the fundamentals of ministry... because anybody can stand in a pulpit and read the Bible and it's not about the whoop and a scream but this time when God releases me I'll be able to minister from a new place of experience.  He addressed some other things and also told me not to let anyone destroy my dreams and the vision God gave me, not to let ANYBODY question what God has spoken to me and to DO WHAT GOD SAID.

He spoke so precisely to everything I had been praying about, seeking God for, and even things my lips had never uttered that it gave me a whole new sense of strength and peace.  I praised God for sending a word of knowledge, wisdom, prophesy, and confirmation all rolled into one.  I can't say that it changed everything overnight or that I just started skipping and tip-toeing through the tulips but it was just the strength that I needed in that moment, just the boost I needed to make it to the next glory...

I don't have one particular scripture that applies to all of this because it's taken several to help me get through but all of that just reassures me that no matter what, 2 Corinthians 12:9 is true... His grace truly is sufficient.

 And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. (NKJV)

So in the words of a great cartoon fish named Dori .. "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming".... Eventually you'll find that you've moved to a new place and you can look back and see God's strength in the place where you drowned in weakness.